Dear County Officials

I watched your press conference about your plan to address the escalating gun violence in our city which came on the heels of a very articulate 9 year-old girl -who narrowly missed getting hit by a stray bullet while playing in a park in broad daylight-  testifying at a City Hall meeting.

And I totally agree that “the county must “push forward anti-poverty initiatives.”  Especially since elected officials have created those “neighborhoods with higher rates of poverty, lower incomes, higher health disparities, higher eviction rates and fewer economic opportunities,” by neglecting those same areas of town for decades.  Years of disinvestment and more recently years of aggressively pursuing strategies to migrate Poors to the outreaches of the city have divided Portland into two cities. 

There’s the city where most elected officials live called “Real Portland.”  They enjoy prosperity and live in their shady single family neighborhoods – shopping, working and recreating in their neighborhood and like to talk a lot about their liberal values and their deep well of empathy for less fortunate people.  They talk a lot about viewing and doing everything through an “equity lens.” There’s lots of yard signs proclaiming “Black Lives Matter” even though the aggregate skin tone in these same neighborhoods is pretty pasty. If these neighborhoods were a Sherwin Williams color, they would be “Floral White.”  When something does appear in their idyllic liberal neighborhood, a place where no one worries the catalytic converter will be stolen right off their Prius in broad daylight or that the $1000.00 bike they ride to their job a couple of miles away will be stolen off their front porch, such as a homeless camp….. they know exactly what compassionate measures are needed to address the humanitarian crisis unfolding in their neighborhood.  They lodge hundreds of complaints with the city and then Poof!  The unhoused are asked to leave and the city announces plans to build Safe Rest Villages….. in poor neighborhoods.

And then there’s the city East of 82^nd Avenue, which doesn’t even have a name. It’s no-man land .  This is where politicians never go unless it’s a re-election year or there’s a dedication for a homeless shelter or tenement housing conveniently located as far as possible from their own homes (and family vineyards).  These residents live in high density housing, endure long commutes to their job somewhere else in the city and if their neighborhoods were a Sherwin Williams paint color, it would be called “Rainbow Spectrum.” There’s not a lot of recreating going on because residents work two jobs to get by and there’s few places to gather when they do have time.  These residents are liberal too but there’s a lot less yard signs because  they’re busy just trying to get by and (more recently) dodging bullets. And they’re tired – it’s exhausting living in East  Portland.  There’s the everyday aspects of getting by and then there’s the grueling meeting schedule just to determine which branch of government controls the funds they need and then there’s the constant advocating (aka begging) for funds to make East Portland a more livable place….. which they rarely get.

So…… I’ve helpfully provided a list of proven “anti-poverty initiatives” which are conspicuously absent from your solutions for “neighborhoods with higher rates of poverty, lower incomes, higher health disparities, higher eviction rates and fewer economic opportunities”

1. Living wage jobs or “economic opportunities” as you call like to call them

2. More green spaces

3. A lot more community meeting places. Such as…. The promised Flagship East Portland Library that got shelved so the city could put one in NW first where people living in million dollar condos are apparently desperate for a public library

4. Improving the quality of neighborhood buildings and housing

5. Ample lighting suitable for pedestrian traffic

6. Actual sidewalks suitable for pedestrian traffic

7. Safe transit stops that are well lit and aren’t located a mere 5 inches from the street in a puddle or a ditch

8. Reducing neighborhood socio-economic segregation by locating “Emergency Housing” in other parts of the city vs the continuation of your current policy of concentrating it in “neighborhoods with higher rates of poverty, lower incomes, higher health disparities, higher eviction rates and fewer economic opportunities”

9. Automatic funding  for youth employment, job mentorship and training, educational supports

10. Automatic funding for programming to support community events and social connectedness instead of making community groups constantly grovel for grants

11. Creating Business Improvement Districts

12. Reducing congestion. Hint: not every single arterial road in East Portland needs to be on a “road diet.”  Having multi-modal forms of transportation is great, but it’s kind of hard to strap a vacuum cleaner and your cleaning supplies onto a bike and then ride 30 miles to the wealthier part of town.  Or to haul a couple of ladders and roofing supplies onto the bus. One or two streets could actually be left alone to do what they were designed to do which is efficiently move residents from their homes out in the Hinterlands, as you know it… to their jobs in some other part of the city not located on a transit line)

13. And finally…..A better Gun Violence dashboard. Seriously it’s not very good

 So while we’re glad you’re going to implement GVI tactics such as call-ins to address the highly active street groups involved in the gun battles occurring in our city and that community outreach groups on the ground are going to get funding – it’s sad it took a nine year old girl publicly shaming you to get you to finally release that funding and take meaningful action.

 Maybe we can get a cohort of ten year-olds to come to your next meeting to plead for the remaining 12 items on our anti-poverty initiatives list that are still missing from your “plan.”

Sincerely,

Old Bitter, resident of Hinterland

Dear Maxwell

Dear Maxwell,

I’ve been a real cry-baby lately.  I bet I cried more in the last week than in the last nine years.  I cried when you wouldn’t eat and I cried when that jerk Rufus ate your food before I could pick it up for later.  I cried because of stupid work shit.  I cried when Windows launched an update in the middle of the day.  I cried when the Ghoster burnt my last piece of toast.  I even cried for the sad homeless guy trudging down the sidewalk who made a dispirited attempt to steal my mail.  And this was all before noon!  Then I cried when I actually got lost going to the vet to pick you up because some asshole from the city took down all the street signs to re-stripe the road and it’s a fucking labyrinth in that neighborhood.

I almost started crying in the vet waiting room when the normally chatty receptionist was unusually subdued and I knew the news was going to be very bad.  I cried (mostly tears of guilt) in the car after getting the diagnosis because even though it WAS extremely bad…. at least now we could stop giving you the meds that made you feel like shit mostly because we weren’t ready to let you go and deluded ourselves into thinking you would recover.  Because unlike dogs, who love you unconditionally, we Humans always make everything all about us. And I cried (tears of relief I’m ashamed to say) because we could stop wondering if we were doing the right thing and start planning how to give you the send-off you deserve as “Best Boy.”

When you and I got home – Jesus fucking Christ….. I cried yet again because you actually ate some food. And then I cried when I looked over at the ottoman where you were sleeping and I thought you had died.  More dumb tears…. When I realized you were just snoozing it made me realize that I thought you were dead because it was the first time in a week I’d seen you sleep so peacefully.  And this made me starting bawling again.  Ugh.

If it weren’t for the fact that you were such a good dog, I’d be really mad that you made cry.  But you were a great dog.  By far the best behaved of all our dogs and certainly the smartest mammal in our household for the past 12 and half years.  I’ll be forever grateful that Linda Fielder didn’t listen to me when the only requirement I gave her was “No herding breeds, they’re  a pain in the ass.”

Because you were never a pain in the ass, you were (almost) always a perfect gentleman.  You were a very smart intuitive dog who was just happy to hang out with your human family of inferior intelligence.  And to a lesser extent….. Rufus and Roxy.   For over twelve years you made us laugh with your “Stares of Recrimination,” your love of Frisbee and cheese (Cheddar Collie), your hatred of buzzing insects and all your other Border Collieisms that made you unique and irreplaceable.  Which is why – despite my affinity for Border Collies I discovered because of you – I’ll never adopt another BC. There’s only room in my shriveled heart for one very special Hoarder Collie. So despite the recent tears…..thanks for all the laughs Flying Squirrel Money. Wouldn’t trade that for anything – We miss you already.

Sincerely,

Old Bitter

Luckiest and saddest Dog Mom on the Planet

Dear Fetus Brigade

With regard to the latest attempt to make abortion illegal…..“Republican state Sen. Clyde Chambliss, who ushered the Alabama bill through the chamber, repeatedly referred on the Senate floor Tuesday to a “window” of time between conception and when a woman knows for certain that she’s pregnant. The state senator said he believed that time was between about seven and 10 days”.

First off  – apparently lot of (mostly old white dudes in power) like you guys don’t know how the female anatomy works…..For example, did you know that as many as 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage? Did you know this often happens before a woman misses a menstrual period or even knows she is pregnant? Or that about 15-25% of recognized pregnancies will end in a miscarriage?

That’s a whole lot of uninvestigated and unpunished Fetucide happening ……. it would seem women have been getting away with murdering babies for YEARS.

So my friend and I were talking about this and what it means….and we have lots of questions for you about the latest developments in Misery, Alabama and Georgia which already have sky-high infant mortality rates.  In fact, not to be super – judgey……. but it looks like you are already doing a piss poor job of protecting babies who’ve actually made it out of the uterus.

1. Will women be required to send their used tampons every month to the CSI Fetus lab to confirm they did not have a miscarriage?
2. And if a woman does have a miscarriage – will she be charged with Murder? Manslaughter? Negligence? How will we know if it’s not a Suicide by Fetus?
3. If a woman has IUD (which can cause fertilized eggs not to implant on the uterine wall) Is she in possession of a dangerous weapon against fetuses? Or is that Murder?
4. If the mother is exposed to measles or some other disease due to some Anti-vaxxer at a soccer game and this causes a miscarriage, will the Typhoid Soccer Mom be charged with Murder? If it’s Typhoid Soccer Mom’s unvaccinated child that’s at fault– will the child be charged with murder?
5. Who will investigate all these miscarriages? Law and Order Special Fetus Unit?
6. If the mother listens to Air Supply every day during her pregnancy will she be charged with Child Abuse?
7. If the mother has a glass of wine – will she be charged with Providing Alcohol to a Minor? Contributing to the Delinquency of Minor?
8. If the mother can’t afford prenatal care will she be charged with Child Neglect?
9. If the Unborn has birth defects – should the parents, the grandparents and the great-grandparents be charged with Child Abuse for passing along bad genes?
10. Since personhood begins at 6 weeks shouldn’t all prospective fathers be mandated to undergo a paternity test and start paying child support immediately?
11. If the father refuses to pay child support like that dick head senator from Illinois, which results in the fetus not getting proper prenatal care will the father be charged with Child Abuse?
12. If the father suggests the mother go get an abortion in another state – will he be charged with Conspiracy to Commit Murder? Attempted Murder?
13. And finally – will the cost of coat hangers go up?

This all sounds really complicated so maybe to keep things simple all women should be put in confinement during their menstrual cycle and all mothers should be locked up in seclusion for 9 months like they did in the old days to prevent any of these things from happening?

Or maybe the Unborn, should just pull itself up by it’s in utero bootstraps and take care of itself? Actually that’s probably best since once they go from Unborn to Born….  you probably will go out of your way to slash school lunch programs, early care & education, and child-related health and after-school programs – AmIright?  Holler!  Like in Alabama where the state is currently $35 million short of the budget they currently need to provide healthcare to children?

So maybe the Unborn should just choose to not be born to poor parents? Because they can totally do that.

Sincerely,

Old Bitter and Drunk Nancy Drew

Inquiring Minds Want to Know!

Dear Neighbors

First off, we’d like to apologize.  We had no idea until you stormed over here yesterday in tears that the Min-Pin we’re fostering had “ruined your entire summer” by sometimes peering at you through the fence and barking on the random occasions when both you and the dog happened to be outside at the same time.  We’re aware that she’s a yappy little thing but had no idea that her barking was so terrible that it would cause you to become unhinged.

Now we realize that after spending the previous 7 years holed up in your house – playing video games, posting pictures of your food on Instagram or whatever it is you’re doing in there – that it must be very disconcerting to be subjected to sounds of the city such as sirens, barking dogs and lawnmowers.  So we can sympathize with your bewilderment when you emerged from your house and were bombarded with the noises of other people actually living their lives outside.  And it must have been terrifying (and extremely traumatic) to be barked at by a 12 lb dog  who took an instant dislike to your pasty, unfamiliar faces.

It’s pretty clear she doesn’t like you at all – we hope you don’t think that the old adage that dogs can sense their Humans’ dislike and project that outwards is true because we DO like you ( or at least we did until you came over insisting we get rid of our dog).  In fact we liked you so much, we thwarted several burglaries while you were at work, let your own dog out when you needed it, and invited you to neighborhood functions.

Unfortunately we are going to have to decline your demand we get rid of the dog or never allow her to use her own back yard BUT in the interest of being neighborly we plan to implement the following things to mitigate our barking dog.  Aside from limiting her time her outside and monitoring her more closely we plan to go above and beyond:

1: Erect an 8 foot wooden panel and attach to our shared fence so our dog can no longer see you at all.  We’re thinking of painting a psychedelic mural of dancing bears and skeletons so you’ll have something inspirational to look at and covering the razor wire at the top with twinkle lights.  It’s going to look super cool!

2: Dig a deep 6 foot moat along our shared perimeter and fill it with water as well as brightly lit fountains that can be coordinated to music.  For more on what kind of music – see #4 below.

3: Buy an air horn and every time she barks in your direction we’ll sound it off. She’s pretty stubborn but we figure it should only take 4 weeks of this determent instruction to get her trained.

4: In the meantime, until we get her trained, we plan to drown out the barking by plugging in our instruments and serenading you with live music from our deck. Hope you like banjo!  We have a recital coming up so this will help us get over any stage fright by playing to a live audience every day.

4: Invite you to join NextDoor so you can complain about us online without ever having to speak to us directly.  That way you can passive aggressively alert us to any future problems before it gets to the point where you’re on our doorstep weeping and making unreasonable demands.

In the spirit of cooperation we respectfully request that you meet us halfway on this and take care of the Hipster Sanctuary for Rats and Racoons in your back yard that we stupidly thought was just a shed.   Now we’re not saying this isn’t all about you – because of course it’s all about you and we certainly care about your mental equilibrium – but we’re reasonably certain that some of the barking behavior is caused by the fact you are harboring varmints in a structure that happens to be right next to the fence.

We totally respect your right to have animals but I’m pretty sure our other neighbors, who have chickens, would greatly appreciate it if you addressed this problem before some poor defenseless hen gets murdered by one of your raccoon guests.

Hopefully our plan to address your concerns meets with your approval, but if not, please let us know how we can help.

Sincerely,

Old Bitter, Concerned Neighbor

And then there are these lazy F*cks

Turning the spotlight on yet another group of white guys who have either have problems with reading comprehension – which wouldn’t be a huge surprise since they constantly interpret  the Constitution in ways that are unfathomable to decent  rational people – or they just care so little about their constituents that they didn’t bother to read the bill.  I’m guessing it’s a combination of both.

Chris Collins

“I will fully admit, Wolf, I did not. I’m comfortable that I understand this bill in its entirety, Wolf, without poring through every word.”

Just look at those crazy eyes……Because he’s a flaming idiot in addition to being overly confident and possibly illiterate, Collins also had to ask a reporter from The Buffalo News to explain to him a provision of the AHCA that would cut $3 billion in funding to help low- and middle-income New Yorkers pay for healthcare.  Apparently he doesn’t comprehend that understanding “words” is part of the whole reading process

Mark Sanford

Mark Sanford of South Carolina told CNN that he looked at the bill but did not absorb all of it.  This should come a surprise to no one since when he was governor of South Carolina, except for when he was screwing over the citizens of South Carolina by attempting to reject $700 million in stimulus funds,   he pretty much didn’t do anything at all.  Because he was too busy flying back and forth to Argentina to have Sexy Time with his mistress.

Thomas Garrett

And then there’s this guy who looks like an unfunny, psychotic brunette version  of Chris Farley who not only confessed he hasn’t read the bill, but also dismissively responded to a video of constituents whose lives were saved by Obamacare by noting that they probably didn’t vote for him.  What. A. Dick.  Also it appears he doesn’t realize (or care) that even the dumbasses constituents that DID vote for him will also be adversely affected by ACHA.

That’s all for now – the bullshit is flying so fast and so furious it’s cutting into my drinking time.  ( and I really need my drinking time)

Old Bitter Out!

 

Look at the evil F*ckers

So today for giggles- I thought I’d post photos of some of the female, child, poor people hating pinheads who voted for the ACHA along with some of their public comments so you can see for yourself just how charming these men are……

 Jason Chaffetz

“Just Don’t buy that iPhone.”

This officious little prick who looks like an uptight meaner and fatter version of Tim Curry, recently had life-saving foot surgery. At least I’m assuming it was life-saving since he wants to deny normal Americans so many “non-essential” services and thinks you spend too much money buying iPhones and shit. So if you losers would just stop  buying 54,000 iPhones every year you would have no problem buying insurance. I don’t know about you but yeah, I buy a new iPhone every 10 minutes.  I REALLY need to stop doing that.  SO THANKS BEAVER BOY.

Joe Walsh

“Sorry Jimmy Kimmel: your sad story doesn’t obligate me or anybody else to pay for somebody else’s health care, It’s not compassion to forcibly take the money I make & give it to someone else(‘s sick kid). It is compassion for me to voluntarily help someone else.”

Of course to be fair, Deadbeat Dad, Joe Walsh doesn’t even want to pay to support his own kids so we shouldn’t be surprised. Also he looks someone who enjoys kicking puppies and drowning kittens.

Rep. Pittenger

“Just Move If You Can’t Afford Coverage”

Just look at this liver-spotted toady. No wonder he doesn’t want YOU to have coverage, he’s too busy hogging all the benefits for himself. You Poors should just leave the country so there’s enough money left to pay for all his old man meds and heart transplant since it’s clear where his heart is supposed to be is just a giant black sucking sound.

Pat Robers

“I sure don’t want my mammogram benefits taken away”

Hardy har har – this old man with a face like a scrotum thinks it’s hilarious to make jokes about jacking up women’s healthcare rates. I’m hoping he develops a pre-existing called “Blue Balls” because his angry wife never sleeps with him again

Raúl Labrador

“No One Dies From Lack Of Healthcare”

Um yes they do. Before Obamacare 45,000 deaths annually were linked to lack of health coverage. With regard to Mr. Labrador – which is obviously a fake name – his real name is probably Raul Dastardly Dickhead – I’d gladly pay for his colonoscopy because his head is so far up his own ass it’s lodged in his large intestine and that’s gotta hurt.

Roger Marshall

“Just like Jesus said, ‘The poor will always be with us.There is a group of people that just don’t want health care and aren’t going to take care of themselves.”

YES! Jesus was totally all about screwing the Poors. And Bootstraps. If you haven’t read The Bootstrap Testament you’re missing out – it was on “GOP Hot Summer Reads” in 2016.

There’s so many more examples but in the 10 minutes it took me to post this I got a notification that it’s time to buy a new iPhone so I gotta bounce!

 

Old Bitter

iPhone afficiendado

We’re all Doomed Part 2 “Non Essential Services”

OK – so let’s just say you don’t have any pre-existing conditions – you’re a paragon of health which seems unlikely since I know most of you – you’re all old and degenerate alcoholics. Even a sudden infusion of Kale and Chia seed into your diet won’t protect you from the fact that the GOP has ensured that you might not be covered for a variety of “nonessential” services in states that apply for the infamous waiver – which is all you Red States. Again I’ve helpfully compiled a list….

1: If you have a heart attack or get in a car accident…..Because this probably your fault due to choosing to live in an area filled with terrible drivers or eating that Big Mac back in 1987 – don’t expect to get that ambulance ride for free, it’ll cost you between $2000-$3000. Much better to call a livery car if you’re well to do. Or – if you’re poor, try Uber or the bus. (truly wealthy people can still afford to call the ambulance – they just got an 800 billion tax cut) For anyone living in Florida which is filled with old people who are all terrible drivers – you’re doomed ( and stupid for living in Florida)

2:  Once you arrive at the emergency room 3 hours later (if you’re taking public transport) and assuming you haven’t bled out or keeled over don’t expect your insurance to cover the emergency costs either. Because despite the fact YOU might consider that keeping your heart pumping is important to your health, the GOP says it’s not actually essential – it’s really more of a Nice to Have and if you’d like to keep on living – pay for it yourself because you brought this on yourself.

3: Speaking of the emergency room – if your snowflake breaks a limb climbing a tree or playing sports – first of all shame of you for making the terrible choice of having children because that’s going to be expensive since pediatric services are no longer an essential benefit. So your best bet, according to Debt.org – better bookmark this page, I suspect you’re going to visiting it quite a bit – is to either let them writhe in pain until you can get to a doctor during business hours or go to Urgent Care

4: OK so let’s say you’ve thought it over carefully and after Googling “How to perform your own heart surgery on YouTube” you decide you actually do need to go to the place that is supposed to help really sick people called a “hospital.” Surprise! Hospitalization is no longer an essential service that must be covered by insurance. So all you whiny Not Rich Bitches who made poor choices can just Suck it. If that $12,000.00 you saved in the HSA the GOP says will solve all your problems doesn’t cover it ( Hint: it most definitely will not) …. Kaiser Permanente has some super helpful hints such as file for bankruptcy because that won’t have any long term adverse effect on your life at all or Crowdfund your bill – I’m sure total strangers will help a sister out. Problem solved!

5: That weird mole on your back that looks like Mitch McConnell’s turtle face….. it’s not essential to get it checked out because lab services also not essential. Enjoy your skin cancer Mofos!

6: For you women who insist of having children….Disclaimer: both myself and the GOP really hate children. I hope you won the lottery because maternity and newborn care are also not essential. So better call the midwife and start Googling “What not to do when your pregnant,” “What are the symptoms of Eclampsia?” “How much Vaginal Bleeding during pregnancy is too much” And watch “Better Call the Midwife” on PBS. Seriously. Best to know what you’re in for.

7: For those of you who delayed getting a colonoscopy because let’s face it, no one wants to get a colonoscopy…. Hope you enjoy getting reamed not once but twice because preventative care is also no longer a “essential service. I’m sure you won’t mind at all paying $3000.00 to spend two days not eating while sitting on the toilet as the meds they give you to clean out your colon take effect. It’s Shitastic!

At this point you’ve probably figured out that your best bet is to NOT ever go to the doctor. This will ensure you’re never diagnosed with a pre-existing condition which will only ratchet up your premiums for a plan that won’t actually pay for anything. And then just pray that you and your family members are in that one percent of the population that just die peacefully in their sleep. Or that you make it to age 65 without any serious medical problems. Of course that’s assuming the GOP doesn’t shred Medicare. LOL.

And for now I’ll just leave you with one final thought. If ACHA actually passes in the Senate….my dogs will have better insurance than I do.

Old Bitter

We’re all doomed “Pre-existing Conditions”

Are you alive? If so you probably have a pre-existing condition, so please check before applying for GOP care health insurance. Don’t selfishly go hogging up all the healthcare with  your poor choices like not being born wealthy or not being a smug entitled white guy. Oh wait, is that redundant? Seems like it might be redundant.  Anyway….. For Trump voters who think AHCA this won’t affect them – – Congrats, you DEFINITELY have pre-existing condition because you’re delusional. This legislative turd is going to affect you too. I’ve helpfully compiled a list – welcome to the High Risk Pool. Which isn’t nearly as fun as your March Madness Pool.

1: Let’s start with those of you lucky enough to have benefits through your employer. You who think you’re safe as long as you never ever ever decide to leave your job or get laid off. Wrong – that super lefty rag the Wall Street Journal reports your sweet benefits package is at risk due to a provision that allows employers to gut some of Obamacare’s biggest health-insurance protections for their employees. Your situation is just as precarious as all those Poors you despise.

2: For those of you with children with autism – Welcome to High Risk Pool! Hope you’ve made good choices and stockpiled shit-tons of money ( of course you did – because YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON) because you’ll be paying a lot more money for your child who had the bad taste to be born with autism.

3: Are you slightly overweight? Do you snore? Come join us over at the High Risk Pool party . You fat fuckers and Snore Snozzles have pre-existing conditions called Obesity and Sleep Apnea.

4: Are you female? Well now choosing to be female is just plain stupid because you’ll get to pay up to 4x more for your healthcare. (and only men are Good People) Men don’t want to have to pay for icky stuff like healthy boobs or vaginas. Good news though for married ladies and slutty ladies – Erectile dysfunction is NOT a pre-existing condition so the hubby/boyfriend can get still get his cheap boner bills.

5: Do you or any of your relatives under the age of 65 have a terminal disease or protracted illness ( no doubt due to being a Bad Person)? Better hope they die quickly because if they insist on lingering – er living – after their lifetime cap expires you’ll go bankrupt paying for their care.

6: Ever gone to the doctor and mentioned some medical problem that ISN’T the flu – like random aches or pains? Woo hoo – you too are probably on record somewhere as having a pre-existing condition. Grab your bathing suit and take a dunk over at ever expanding High Risk Pool Party.  At this point we should probably at least hire a band or something.  Except we’ll all be too poor to afford a really good band. And since starving musicians are notorious for not having insurance, they’ll all probably be dead. But I digress. ( oh crap, I hope this failure to stay on topic isn’t the onset of dementia or something worse…..)

7: Does your kid have acne? It’s probably best if you just pay for those visits to Pimple Popper MD with cash – under an assumed name. Wouldn’t want your precious Pizza Face to have that pre-existing condition following him around the rest of his life over a few facial blemishes

8: Have you ever been depressed? Have ADD? Well put a lampshade on your head and just start self-medicating with alcohol or caffeine like the rest of America. That way – assuming you don’t need a liver transplant – you just might not exceed your lifetime cap paying for other medical problems. Frankly your sad sack faces are making ME depressed and you attention deficit people are exhausting. Plus I hear heroin and meth are much more cost effective.

9: Do you or your children have allergies – too bad. We’re sick of your epi-pens littering our streets and pissed off that we can’t serve peanuts at social occasions anymore. I fucking love peanuts. YOU’RE THE WORST.

10: Annnnd finally….. for those of you who made the unfortunate choice in the womb, when you were just a zygote, to be Not Straight…..the (supposedly) straight dudes in Congress don’t give any fucks about your gross gay diseases because worrying about which public bathroom you might use is enough to make them throw a blood clot. Also – you’re all rapists and child molesters. I will pray ( the Gay Away) for you. But if that doesn’t work – please go right back in the closet. And please take Lindsey Graham and Mike Pence with you.

There’s a whole lot more pre-existing conditions but all this typing is making my carpal tunnel flare up (also a pre-existing condition) and I need to conserve my energy since I’m sure there are more outrages to come.  Because a bunch of morons elected 217 sociopaths to Congress and I’m quite sure that right after their little Beer Bash to celebrate stripping access to affordable healthcare from millions – they’ll get right back to work shredding the social safety net.

 

Sincerely,

 

Old Bitter

Bad Person and member of the Resistance

Dear Urban Nomad

For the past three nights, we’ve caught some dude on camera rifling through our truck ( we leave it unlocked and don’t leave anything in worth stealing – saves us a broken window).  So last night we had a few cocktails and filled a decorative box with ashes from our fireplace, added a few dog bone shards, put in the truck to be stolen and left a note inside the box that said:

“Congratulations, you’ve managed to steal our Great Aunt Judy’s remains. We didn’t like her much and were debating what to do with her ashes so you’ve saved us the trouble but the next time you decide to steal something from our truck – keep in mind it could be something equally devoid of monetary value such as a really heavy box of mason jars. Or it could be something worse, like a tarantula. You see we’re thinking of starting our own Homemade Jelly Factory/Spider Petting Zoo. We’re sure it could be very popular – come for the delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and stay to stroke the spiders.

For that matter, we may leave our territorial ferret, Sharkey, in the truck to give you a nice welcome. He loves slithering up your pant leg when you aren’t looking and he’s got very sharp teeth. He’s a real People Pherret.

BTW Aunt Judy really liked her gin and tonics so maybe you could just disperse her ashes among the booze bottles you so helpfully removed the other night from our recycling bin after picking through all our garbage. Our neighbors already suspect we’re alcoholics so we were pleased to see all those bottles disappear into your shopping cart right after you tried to break into our mailbox.”

Sincerely,

McBitters – Future Jelly Magnates

PS: We’ve included a picture of Sharkey – isn’t he adorable?

Dear SCOTUS

I’m a business owner and I’m still a little confused by your recent Holy Lobby decision. I have just a few questions I’m hoping you can clear up which I’ve listed below.

1: As a business owner can I cancel boner pills from all employee healthcare plans since it causes men to rape and murder women even though there is no scientific basis for my “sincerely held belief?”

2: I also believe that vaccinations are unholy because they clearly cause autism and everyone knows children with autism grow up to be mass murders like that Sandy Hook fellow – does this mean I can eliminate vaccinations from healthcare plans?

3: Another belief I hold dear is that Gay people are infecting this great country with Gayness so can I institute a healthcare plan for (just Gay) employees that only covers Conversion Therapy until they become Not Gay?

4: Since my sincerely held beliefs now trump my employees’ needs and healthcare choices, can I apply this to other elements of their financial compensation? Because I would really like to implement a policy that would allow me to dock people’s pay if they don’t go to church every Sunday. Being raised a Catholic I know failure to go to a church is a mortal sin which mean employees could be at risk for spending an eternity in hell.

5: And finally, does part of my Religious Corporate Personhood include the right to bear arms and Stand My Ground. Because I’m pretty sure some of my competitors and vendors are agents of Satan who could pose an imminent danger and may need to be eradicated.

Thanks so much and I look forward to your thoughtful and (not at all Old Sexist Christo White Man –ey) response.

Sincerely,

 

Old Bitter

Chief Devotion Officer