Thanks for taking some junk off our hands, even though you probably weren’t aware that the power washer, shop vacuum and chainsaw were all destined for the dump because they no longer work. And that heavy locked toolbox you stole was probably very tempting, but as you’ve already discovered – it was filled with bent nails and old chains. The only reason it was locked was because we couldn’t find the key ( it’s probably in the toolbox).
However I was most unhappy that you failed to steal the rickety old furniture, destined for Goodwill, that was in plain sight. In the future, I’ll be sure to put labels on everything that says things like, “Estate sale – priceless Busk + Hertzog chair. $1,000,000.00” or “Sotheby’s Auction House – Chippendale Chair PLEASE DO NOT STEAL.” And my collection of Hideous CDs That People Leave Behind at Your House After a Party which included Dido, Super Tramp and Ke$ha (also destined for Goodwill) remained Un Stolen. What the hell kind of thieves are you?
I was also disappointed that you failed to close the door after cleaning us out. If the garage door hadn’t been open when I looked out of the bathroom window I would have been blissfully unaware of your presence in my garage for at least a couple more hours and I would have been spared the following experiences:
- 1: Getting out of the shower and realizing there could be (possibly dangerous) thieves in my garage while NAKED
- 2: Throwing on random clothes in order to not get (maybe) murdered while naked
- 3: Still worrying about being murdered while wearing ill-fitting yoga pants and no make-up
- 4: Worrying about catching pneumonia due to going outside with wet hair.
- 5: Almost severing my femoral artery at least 4 times with wildly swinging fireplace place poker ( I challenge you to try control two unruly excited dogs on leashes while armed with an andiron – it requires a lot of stamina and dexterity)
Since you stole the garage door opener, I can only assume you plan to come back. There’s only one problem with that – the garage door opener doesn’t work – don’t bother replacing the battery, we already tried that. Which is too bad since I had such an awesome surprise planned for your next illegal foray into our garage. Don’t want to give too much away but it involves Patchouli gas, the soundtrack to the Lion King, a balloon drop ( but instead of balloons it would be dog turds), indoor fireworks, Silly String and rabid ferrets.
However – if you decide to come back anyway – there’s still a few things left. There’s the termite infested firewood from our neighbor Bramble Dan, an entire tub of heavy-duty plastic bags, a broken weedwacker, 800 cans of dried up paint, ripped lawn chair cushions, a pair of crocs, a gas grill that a rodent lived in until our vicious hunting dog sniffed him out and a couple of bags of organic dirt. It’s all there for taking.
Sincerely,
Vigilante Bitter
Old Bitter 