First off, we’d like to apologize. We had no idea until you stormed over here yesterday in tears that the Min-Pin we’re fostering had “ruined your entire summer” by sometimes peering at you through the fence and barking on the random occasions when both you and the dog happened to be outside at the same time. We’re aware that she’s a yappy little thing but had no idea that her barking was so terrible that it would cause you to become unhinged.
Now we realize that after spending the previous 7 years holed up in your house – playing video games, posting pictures of your food on Instagram or whatever it is you’re doing in there – that it must be very disconcerting to be subjected to sounds of the city such as sirens, barking dogs and lawnmowers. So we can sympathize with your bewilderment when you emerged from your house and were bombarded with the noises of other people actually living their lives outside. And it must have been terrifying (and extremely traumatic) to be barked at by a 12 lb dog who took an instant dislike to your pasty, unfamiliar faces.
It’s pretty clear she doesn’t like you at all – we hope you don’t think that the old adage that dogs can sense their Humans’ dislike and project that outwards is true because we DO like you ( or at least we did until you came over insisting we get rid of our dog). In fact we liked you so much, we thwarted several burglaries while you were at work, let your own dog out when you needed it, and invited you to neighborhood functions.
Unfortunately we are going to have to decline your demand we get rid of the dog or never allow her to use her own back yard BUT in the interest of being neighborly we plan to implement the following things to mitigate our barking dog. Aside from limiting her time her outside and monitoring her more closely we plan to go above and beyond:
1: Erect an 8 foot wooden panel and attach to our shared fence so our dog can no longer see you at all. We’re thinking of painting a psychedelic mural of dancing bears and skeletons so you’ll have something inspirational to look at and covering the razor wire at the top with twinkle lights. It’s going to look super cool!
2: Dig a deep 6 foot moat along our shared perimeter and fill it with water as well as brightly lit fountains that can be coordinated to music. For more on what kind of music – see #4 below.
3: Buy an air horn and every time she barks in your direction we’ll sound it off. She’s pretty stubborn but we figure it should only take 4 weeks of this determent instruction to get her trained.
4: In the meantime, until we get her trained, we plan to drown out the barking by plugging in our instruments and serenading you with live music from our deck. Hope you like banjo! We have a recital coming up so this will help us get over any stage fright by playing to a live audience every day.
4: Invite you to join NextDoor so you can complain about us online without ever having to speak to us directly. That way you can passive aggressively alert us to any future problems before it gets to the point where you’re on our doorstep weeping and making unreasonable demands.
In the spirit of cooperation we respectfully request that you meet us halfway on this and take care of the Hipster Sanctuary for Rats and Racoons in your back yard that we stupidly thought was just a shed. Now we’re not saying this isn’t all about you – because of course it’s all about you and we certainly care about your mental equilibrium – but we’re reasonably certain that some of the barking behavior is caused by the fact you are harboring varmints in a structure that happens to be right next to the fence.
We totally respect your right to have animals but I’m pretty sure our other neighbors, who have chickens, would greatly appreciate it if you addressed this problem before some poor defenseless hen gets murdered by one of your raccoon guests.
Hopefully our plan to address your concerns meets with your approval, but if not, please let us know how we can help.
Old Bitter, Concerned Neighbor